Showing posts with label Alone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alone. Show all posts
Thursday, 12 May 2016
Dancing to the Wrong Tune
She sat cross legged watching people enter with their mothers. A year ago she would have broken down to tears but she had changed. She had grown to live with the fact that her mother was gone. The mentioning of the incident or her mother struck her for a few moments but the recovery was fairly quick. Losing your mother at the age of 6 was a traumatising experience you could not get over. Or so everyone said. For better or worse she barely remembered her mother.
The music was slow but as the songs changed, the beat slowly increased. She was at school, where she had no friends and had nothing to do for the next how many ever hours. Oh and also, it was a mother and child dance. She was like a fish in a vast unfamiliar sea of loneliness.
She got up to get another glass of watermelon juice. It was weird that they were serving it at such an event. She loved it. Refreshing and sweet. This was her third glass. She had no idea that this was supposed to be a mother and child dance. She wished she were at home, watching Modern Family with her dad, rather than stuck at a place where she knew no one and felt extremely uncomfortable. Her father was busy at a conference and she could not take a cab home, alone. Looked like she was stuck there.
She sat back down and glanced at the footwear of the other girls. Formal shoes. She rolled her eyes. No way. The only thing she was comfortable in and wore were sneakers. She didn’t get the whole heel and fancy shoes thing. They were so uncomfortable, why would people wear them? Looks first, then comfort? She did not understand that concept.
She was sitting alone on the benches they had put up on the sides. She felt like she was a chicken amongst a flock of geese. She did not belong. She could not fly.
Everyone would glance at her and give her a curious look every now and then. She wished she was back in Australia, around her friends, who she was familiar with and used to dancing around with. Alas, she was not, so she would have to deal with what she had got.
Beverly was there with her mother, both of them wearing really pretty and, she guessed expensive, looking dresses. Beverly was rubbing her hand on her other arm, insecurely, while looking around. She guessed it was because none of Beverly’s friends were there yet. She got up and walked around the hall counting the number of people that had come while simultaneously looking for Oliver, a guy in her science class. He seemed like a funny, careless kind of guy and she sort of had a crush on him… She was disappointed when she wasn’t able to find him. However, she did see Katreena, someone she knew fairly well, but Katreena was surrounded by some of her friends. She started to make her way towards them, but changed her mind as she thought to herself, probably shouldn’t.
Everyone had come with their mothers. She started thinking about her own and painfully pushed the thought at the back of her mind. What was the point of making herself feel even worse? She went to refill her glass when the felt a tap on her shoulder.
She turned around hoping it was Oliver, and started, “Ol…”
Disappointment and she was pretty sure it showed on her face. The person was not Oliver, but Beverly.
“Hoping it was someone else?” asked Beverly with a curious grin.
She wanted to roll her eyes but resisted it. She realised that she had subconsciously started clenching her fists.
“Doesn’t matter,” said she in a plain tone.
“How are you liking the party? My family sponsors it, you know.” bragged Beverly.
“Oh, really? It's nice,” she said looking away, clearly uninterested.
Like you contributed a damn, she thought to herself.
With a slightly astonished look on her face, Beverly said, “Just nice? Whatever. Where’s your mother?”
She was taken aback it, took her a moment to reply, “What does it matter to you?”
“You’re right,” said Beverly, wondering why she was talking to her and ran off to catch up with one of her friends.
She stood there awkwardly for some time before making her next move. She went to one of the event posters to find out when this dreaded thing would end. 8:30? No way. That’s 2 hours more… She headed back to benches, where she removed her vintage phone to see if she had any missed calls or text messages. Of course not. Who would be texting her? It costs a lot to send a text from Australia to France, so none of her friends would be messaging her. She did not have 3G, so her WhatsApp would not be working. She knew that, but it was a weak yet safe move when you did not know what to do.
Then, she noticed one of the teachers walking up to her. She quickly put a smile on her face.
“Is everything okay?” he asked
“Yup I’m good,” she lied.
“Where’s your mother?” he continued to inquire.
She hesitated but quickly replied saying, “She’s in the toilet.”
“Okay, enjoy,” he said walking away.
She sighed. She went to one of the corners and leaned against one of the walls. She thought about her 13th birthday celebration. Soothing. Surrounded by familiar faces, people she loved to be around, people she could be herself with. Not just girls, though. She had outgrown that stage of thinking girls was the only people to befriend. In fact, some of her best friends were guys. But that was Australia. This was France. She realised that she needed to stop comparing the two. It was like Chinese food and Italian food. Both equally good but very different.
She let her eyes pass over the faces of the people around her. All of them were happy. Am I the only one who isn't enjoying this? she thought to herself… or so she felt.
“Nope, you’re not the only one,” said a familiar voice.
She hadn't seen him walk over to her. It was Oliver. “Oliver,” she said, astonished and rather loudly.
She had had been talking out loud. She felt a drop a water fall on her hand. She hadn’t realised, but she had been crying.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly, his face showing his concern.
“Yeah. Sorry. I’m fine. Or rather, I’m a mess,” she stuttered rather fast.
She closed her eyes, drew a breath and calmed herself. She could not make a mess of in front of him. He rubbed his hand on her shoulder.
“It’s okay you can tell me,” he said with a reassuring smile.
They walked toward the juice stall. He poured a glass of watermelon juice and offered it to her. Quite the gentleman, she thought to herself.
“I’ve had enough of that for the night,” she said with a smirk. She was sure that many other people were watching and whispering to each other, coming up with ridiculous theories. She did not dare look. Right now she really didn't give a damn about them or their opinions.
“So… You’re the new girl, from science class? What’s up?” he asked.
She looked at him and said, “I have recently moved from Australia, left my life, my friends and everything behind. I want to go back desperately but I can’t because of my dad’s new job. I am not fitting in and do not have any friends here.”
“Oh… and what about your mother? Is she here?” he asked.
She looked at him with tears in her eyes and said slowly, “A drunk driver did not bother to stop for a red light, and collided with my mother's car. He died on the spot and she died a few days later, blunt force trauma.”
He was taken aback, as he looked at her with a pitiful yet apologetic look.
“I am so sorry,” he said emphasising the word ‘so’.
“Ah, I feel like a jerk,” he said looking away, not bearing to look at her directly.
“It’s okay Oliver, you didn't know,” she said with a half smile. Slowly he raised his head and got his eyes to meet hers.
“And what about you? You should get back to your mother, she will be missing you,” she said.
“My parents got a divorce. My mom left when I was born. Never seen her since,” he said, but surprisingly not he did not seem very sad.
“I just came cause I had nothing better to do and my dad is at some conference,” he continued.
“Ha. My dad is also at a conference. I wonder if they are at the same one,” she said surprised.
They looked at each for a few seconds without a word before Oliver broke it off by saying,
“Hey, do you want to go outside? Grab some fresh air?”
It took her a moment to register. She then blurted out, “Sure.”
He seemed happy by her response.
“But there’s one problem…,” she said, “There are teachers ‘guarding’ the exits. How will we get past them?”
He just gave her a smile and said, “Leave that up to me.”
They sneaked past the crowd walking close together. Her heart was racing. He was really cute and she loved that he was sort of sensitive but also had a wild side. It was definite. She had a crush on him… They were heading close to the exits. Oh no… It was Ms.Audrey. Ms.Audrey was one of the very few teachers that she did not like. The strict teacher raised a suspicious eyebrow as they approached.
Oliver quickly said in an alarming voice, “ Ms.Audrey, Jace has had a bit too much of the watermelon juice and looks like he is gonna throw up on someone.”
Ms.Audrey’s face lit up in tension. She shouted, “Oh no he won’t.” before running toward the hall. She was on the planning committee for the event and was somewhat of a perfectionist. I guess that’s what most art teachers are like though. He snickered and she laughed.
“I can’t believe she fell for that,” she said cracking up.
“We better hurry before she comes back,” he said holding the door open for her.
They scrambled out the door and out into the chilly night air. As she stepped out, she felt her sneakers come in contact with the ground. It was not hard and her foot went through. She looked down and realised it was not the ground she had come in contact with, but snow. The first snow of winter. Her first contact with the snow. She picked up some with her hands and then closed her palms around it.
“I know a good place,” he said.
She ran behind him smiling. He was taking her through a whole new area in her school. There were too many stairs to climb, and she had to clamber up the last few flights. As they pushed the door open, a brisk breeze brushed past them, blowing her hair in weird positions. She laughed. He turned around to see what was going on and then cracked up. He walked up to her and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. She looked down to hide her goofy smile. She was pretty sure her face was as red as it could be. She looked up at him. He was already pulling up two chairs from a stack by the door. She didn't know why the chairs were up there and didn't want to ask. They sat down and started, off into the distance. You could see most of the campus from up there. She hadn't realised how nice it was.
“I love coming up here when I am frustrated or angry, it’s calming, not that I’m frustrated right now or anything,” he said breaking the silence.
“I figured,” she said with a smile. The sun had nearly finished dipping in the end of the tree line. The branches lowering with the weight of the snow piled on it. There were clouds all over the sky, the rainy kind. The colours from the edges of the sun bounced off the clouds, radiating colours. She had never really appreciated the sunset here in France.
“So, tell me more about yourself, but first let me tell you something, so you know you have leverage over me in case you think I can’t keep it secret.” he said.
“Okay, go ahead,” she said, curious about what he was going to say. This was the part where the guy tells his friend that he is a serial killer in the movies. But this wasn’t a movie and she was glad it was actually happening.
“I don’t know whether or not you have heard but last year ‘someone’ put slime in Beverly’s locker. That someone was me. I probably shouldn’t have, as she didn’t shut up for days about it.” he said his face momentarily in deep thought.
She laughed. “I’m glad you did. I loathe her. Fake, desperate and unnecessarily mean,” she said wrinkling her nose.
“I…” he started, “ I kinda HAD a crush on her…”
Her mouth dropped open. Dropped in a way that a person would if they saw their friend covered in muck.
“No way.” she said smiling, but her eyes still showing that she couldn’t believe it.
“I know, I know. It was back in 5th grade. But then I realised she is everything you said she is,” he said. “But come on don’t tell me you’ve never had a crush on anyone and, later on, think that you must have been crazy,” he said with a raised eyebrow.
She looked at him guiltily and said, “ Okay fine. I have. But she is definitely horrid.”
They both laughed. She had finally found a friend. Someone, she could tell anything. Almost anything…
“Did you have a boyfriend back in Australia?” he asked, and she felt for the first time, that he seemed sort of serious. She made a gagging sort of noise.
“What,” she was taken aback by his question.“No I did not,” she said, “What about you? Ever dated someone?”
“Me? Nope. No girl’s gonna go out with me,” he snickered.
“Oh shut up. I don’t believe that for a second,” she said, unconvinced.
“Seriously I’m not lying,” he laughed.
“Okay but I’m sure plenty of girls have a crush on you,” she said.
“You’ve met the girls in our grade right. 90% are so immature, I’m surprised they function,” he said.
“That is true,” she admitted.
They looked at each other, eye to eye, neither of them looking away. There was a soft chirping of a bird in the distance.
“That’s a Montagu’s Harrier,” she said.
“What?” he asked, puzzled.
“You hear that chirping? That bird is a Montagu’s Harrier,” she said.
“Ah. How do you know that?” he asked.
“I love birds. Their sizes, their colours and most of all their wings. One of my favourite things about France is, that there are hundreds of species that transit here while migrating.”
“That's pretty interesting,” he admitted.
It was then he noticed her shoes.
“You’re wearing sneakers?” he asked.
“Yup. They are so comfy and they look pretty good. Well, probably not as good as the ones the girls down there are wearing, but definitely more comfy.”
He looked at her and smiled.
“You are very very interesting.” he said laughing.
“Interesting? That’s a safe comment to use. It could mean you think I’m a freak or that I am super cool.” she said, smirking.
“Um… probably the latter,” he said resting his chin on his hand.
Then they heard the music from the hall becoming softer.
“We better get back soon,” he said getting up.
“Okay, it is getting colder,” she admitted and followed him.
They tried all of the entrances. Finally, on the last one, they had an open window. Mr. Butch probably went to the toilet.
They sneaked right back in time to hear one of the teachers announce, “ We are going to have a bit of a twist now. Mothers, please follow Ms. Audrey. She will take you to the exam room for a rest and refreshments,” she paused, and then said, “Now for you teenagers.”
She gave her audience a naughty smile and then shrieked, “You guys are going to be dancing with each other. Guys with girls and vice-versa. You have 15 minutes find a partner. GO.”
It took everyone some time to process what was going on. Then suddenly someone said, “Will you dance with me?” and there was a reply of, “Yes.”
That got everybody moving. There was utter chaos. Guys going around asking girls, and girls standing close to they guys they want to dance with, hoping that they would ask them.
She and Oliver looked at each other and smiled.
Oliver raised an eyebrow, biting his lower lip out of tension, and she said with emphasis, “Well duh. But… you have to teach me how to do that.” She raised both her eyebrows, failing to raise only one. He laughed but then looked down sadly.
“What happened?” she inquired, her voice full of concern.
He looked up at her, embarrassed, “I… I can’t dance.”
He covered his face with one hand, an embarrassed smile on his lips.
“It’s okay, you’ll be fine. All you really need to do is bounce and sway,” she said as though it was the simplest thing to do.
“Right…” he murmured hesitantly.
They headed closer to the stage where all the pairs had gathered. She looked around. ‘Ha,’ she thought to herself as she noticed more pairs than she had imagined there would have been. Unfortunately, her eyes landed on Beverly. She was slowly approaching her, stealing glances to Oliver. ‘Oh my god. She wants Oliver to ask her out.’ When it was announced that there were 5 minutes left, almost everyone was in pairs. Beverly wasn’t. Eventually, she approached Oliver and looked at him awkwardly for a moment, probably expecting him to ask her. When he didn't she did.
“Hey Oliver,” said Beverly. “Will you be my partner?”.
“Oh… Hey…” said Oliver slowly, “I am with Sophia. Sorry…”
That was the first time he had used her name. She was surprised he knew it, as did not recall telling him before...
Beverly looked stunned.
“She can find someone…” said Beverly briskly, quickly glancing at her in disgust.
“Else? Yeah, she can. But I want to dance with her. Not, you. You should find someone else.” replied Oliver strongly.
Beverly looked like he had slapped her. She opened her mouth to say something but then stormed out the room. Sophia was awestruck. She was sure he would have left her for Beverly. She was also sure there was the goofiest possible smile on her face right now but she didn't care.
“Right… She’s one horrible, brain-dead moron,” said Oliver rolling his eyes. “Don’t listen to her okay?”
“Thank you for that,” she whispered, suddenly conscious about the fact that everyone was looking at them.
“You don’t have to thank me,” he said
“Let’s get this started,” said an over enthusiastic voice over the microphone.
The lights suddenly changed colour. Neon green, blue and red. The DJ changed the track and an unexpected, upbeat rhythm started playing. Oliver held out a hand and bent down a bit. She blushed. She held her chin up, bent with both legs and took his hand. What followed was a blur of great music, a handsome face, a bouncing crowd and utter fun. The utter fun she hadn’t had in a long time. The utter fun she needed.
Eventually, she got a text from her dad that read,
Hey sweetie, just finished. Are you having fun? Will be there to pick you up soon.
“What happened?” screamed Oliver over the music.
“Nothing, just my dad. He's gonna pick me up soon,” she said.
“Oh… okay,” said Oliver realising what the time was.
“This is the last song for tonight,” announced the DJ.
The crowd responded with a loud ‘Boo.’
The DJ played the song.
“Oh my God. I know this song. The name starts with a ’s’. Ugh,” she said, frustrated. Oliver listened for a few seconds.
“It’s Timber by Pitbull and it starts with a ’t’,” he said shaking his head, but smiling.
“Right… I don’t really listen to music,” she said and shrugged.
“You what? We are not finished with this conversation,” he said loudly, with utter shock showing all over his face.
The beat kicked in. The crowd went wild. ‘I guess I could right now, no one is really looking.’ she thought to herself. Then she let loose. She was like a tornado trapped in for too long. Shaking her head, rising and falling. Enjoying herself. The song slowed and eventually stopped. A few minutes later the mothers re-entered the hall. Everyone started saying their goodbyes and were leaving. A few minutes later she felt her phone buzz. Her dad had reached.
“Hey Oliver, my dad has come to pick me up. I have to leave,” she said.
“Oh okay. I’ll walk you there, I have to take a cab anyway,” said Oliver
As they were walking Oliver said, “Hey listen, give me your number. I’ll message you some time,”
“You do that,” she said entering her number in his smartphone.
As they reached the gate they stopped as they had to now go different ways.
“I had a great time this evening. Well the second half of it,” she said.
“Me too,” said Oliver smiling.
Then one of them went for a hug and the other a handshake. They laughed and then hugged.
“See you around,” said Oliver turning around to leave.
She smiled and headed to the Mini Cooper parked at the end of the road.
“Hey sweetie, how was it?” asked her father. She thought for a moment. “It was pretty good, I made my first friend.”
- Raoul Shah
The music was slow but as the songs changed, the beat slowly increased. She was at school, where she had no friends and had nothing to do for the next how many ever hours. Oh and also, it was a mother and child dance. She was like a fish in a vast unfamiliar sea of loneliness.
She got up to get another glass of watermelon juice. It was weird that they were serving it at such an event. She loved it. Refreshing and sweet. This was her third glass. She had no idea that this was supposed to be a mother and child dance. She wished she were at home, watching Modern Family with her dad, rather than stuck at a place where she knew no one and felt extremely uncomfortable. Her father was busy at a conference and she could not take a cab home, alone. Looked like she was stuck there.
She sat back down and glanced at the footwear of the other girls. Formal shoes. She rolled her eyes. No way. The only thing she was comfortable in and wore were sneakers. She didn’t get the whole heel and fancy shoes thing. They were so uncomfortable, why would people wear them? Looks first, then comfort? She did not understand that concept.
She was sitting alone on the benches they had put up on the sides. She felt like she was a chicken amongst a flock of geese. She did not belong. She could not fly.
Everyone would glance at her and give her a curious look every now and then. She wished she was back in Australia, around her friends, who she was familiar with and used to dancing around with. Alas, she was not, so she would have to deal with what she had got.
Beverly was there with her mother, both of them wearing really pretty and, she guessed expensive, looking dresses. Beverly was rubbing her hand on her other arm, insecurely, while looking around. She guessed it was because none of Beverly’s friends were there yet. She got up and walked around the hall counting the number of people that had come while simultaneously looking for Oliver, a guy in her science class. He seemed like a funny, careless kind of guy and she sort of had a crush on him… She was disappointed when she wasn’t able to find him. However, she did see Katreena, someone she knew fairly well, but Katreena was surrounded by some of her friends. She started to make her way towards them, but changed her mind as she thought to herself, probably shouldn’t.
Everyone had come with their mothers. She started thinking about her own and painfully pushed the thought at the back of her mind. What was the point of making herself feel even worse? She went to refill her glass when the felt a tap on her shoulder.
She turned around hoping it was Oliver, and started, “Ol…”
Disappointment and she was pretty sure it showed on her face. The person was not Oliver, but Beverly.
“Hoping it was someone else?” asked Beverly with a curious grin.
She wanted to roll her eyes but resisted it. She realised that she had subconsciously started clenching her fists.
“Doesn’t matter,” said she in a plain tone.
“How are you liking the party? My family sponsors it, you know.” bragged Beverly.
“Oh, really? It's nice,” she said looking away, clearly uninterested.
Like you contributed a damn, she thought to herself.
With a slightly astonished look on her face, Beverly said, “Just nice? Whatever. Where’s your mother?”
She was taken aback it, took her a moment to reply, “What does it matter to you?”
“You’re right,” said Beverly, wondering why she was talking to her and ran off to catch up with one of her friends.
She stood there awkwardly for some time before making her next move. She went to one of the event posters to find out when this dreaded thing would end. 8:30? No way. That’s 2 hours more… She headed back to benches, where she removed her vintage phone to see if she had any missed calls or text messages. Of course not. Who would be texting her? It costs a lot to send a text from Australia to France, so none of her friends would be messaging her. She did not have 3G, so her WhatsApp would not be working. She knew that, but it was a weak yet safe move when you did not know what to do.
Then, she noticed one of the teachers walking up to her. She quickly put a smile on her face.
“Is everything okay?” he asked
“Yup I’m good,” she lied.
“Where’s your mother?” he continued to inquire.
She hesitated but quickly replied saying, “She’s in the toilet.”
“Okay, enjoy,” he said walking away.
She sighed. She went to one of the corners and leaned against one of the walls. She thought about her 13th birthday celebration. Soothing. Surrounded by familiar faces, people she loved to be around, people she could be herself with. Not just girls, though. She had outgrown that stage of thinking girls was the only people to befriend. In fact, some of her best friends were guys. But that was Australia. This was France. She realised that she needed to stop comparing the two. It was like Chinese food and Italian food. Both equally good but very different.
She let her eyes pass over the faces of the people around her. All of them were happy. Am I the only one who isn't enjoying this? she thought to herself… or so she felt.
“Nope, you’re not the only one,” said a familiar voice.
She hadn't seen him walk over to her. It was Oliver. “Oliver,” she said, astonished and rather loudly.
She had had been talking out loud. She felt a drop a water fall on her hand. She hadn’t realised, but she had been crying.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly, his face showing his concern.
“Yeah. Sorry. I’m fine. Or rather, I’m a mess,” she stuttered rather fast.
She closed her eyes, drew a breath and calmed herself. She could not make a mess of in front of him. He rubbed his hand on her shoulder.
“It’s okay you can tell me,” he said with a reassuring smile.
They walked toward the juice stall. He poured a glass of watermelon juice and offered it to her. Quite the gentleman, she thought to herself.
“I’ve had enough of that for the night,” she said with a smirk. She was sure that many other people were watching and whispering to each other, coming up with ridiculous theories. She did not dare look. Right now she really didn't give a damn about them or their opinions.
“So… You’re the new girl, from science class? What’s up?” he asked.
She looked at him and said, “I have recently moved from Australia, left my life, my friends and everything behind. I want to go back desperately but I can’t because of my dad’s new job. I am not fitting in and do not have any friends here.”
“Oh… and what about your mother? Is she here?” he asked.
She looked at him with tears in her eyes and said slowly, “A drunk driver did not bother to stop for a red light, and collided with my mother's car. He died on the spot and she died a few days later, blunt force trauma.”
He was taken aback, as he looked at her with a pitiful yet apologetic look.
“I am so sorry,” he said emphasising the word ‘so’.
“Ah, I feel like a jerk,” he said looking away, not bearing to look at her directly.
“It’s okay Oliver, you didn't know,” she said with a half smile. Slowly he raised his head and got his eyes to meet hers.
“And what about you? You should get back to your mother, she will be missing you,” she said.
“My parents got a divorce. My mom left when I was born. Never seen her since,” he said, but surprisingly not he did not seem very sad.
“I just came cause I had nothing better to do and my dad is at some conference,” he continued.
“Ha. My dad is also at a conference. I wonder if they are at the same one,” she said surprised.
They looked at each for a few seconds without a word before Oliver broke it off by saying,
“Hey, do you want to go outside? Grab some fresh air?”
It took her a moment to register. She then blurted out, “Sure.”
He seemed happy by her response.
“But there’s one problem…,” she said, “There are teachers ‘guarding’ the exits. How will we get past them?”
He just gave her a smile and said, “Leave that up to me.”
They sneaked past the crowd walking close together. Her heart was racing. He was really cute and she loved that he was sort of sensitive but also had a wild side. It was definite. She had a crush on him… They were heading close to the exits. Oh no… It was Ms.Audrey. Ms.Audrey was one of the very few teachers that she did not like. The strict teacher raised a suspicious eyebrow as they approached.
Oliver quickly said in an alarming voice, “ Ms.Audrey, Jace has had a bit too much of the watermelon juice and looks like he is gonna throw up on someone.”
Ms.Audrey’s face lit up in tension. She shouted, “Oh no he won’t.” before running toward the hall. She was on the planning committee for the event and was somewhat of a perfectionist. I guess that’s what most art teachers are like though. He snickered and she laughed.
“I can’t believe she fell for that,” she said cracking up.
“We better hurry before she comes back,” he said holding the door open for her.
They scrambled out the door and out into the chilly night air. As she stepped out, she felt her sneakers come in contact with the ground. It was not hard and her foot went through. She looked down and realised it was not the ground she had come in contact with, but snow. The first snow of winter. Her first contact with the snow. She picked up some with her hands and then closed her palms around it.
“I know a good place,” he said.
She ran behind him smiling. He was taking her through a whole new area in her school. There were too many stairs to climb, and she had to clamber up the last few flights. As they pushed the door open, a brisk breeze brushed past them, blowing her hair in weird positions. She laughed. He turned around to see what was going on and then cracked up. He walked up to her and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. She looked down to hide her goofy smile. She was pretty sure her face was as red as it could be. She looked up at him. He was already pulling up two chairs from a stack by the door. She didn't know why the chairs were up there and didn't want to ask. They sat down and started, off into the distance. You could see most of the campus from up there. She hadn't realised how nice it was.
“I love coming up here when I am frustrated or angry, it’s calming, not that I’m frustrated right now or anything,” he said breaking the silence.
“I figured,” she said with a smile. The sun had nearly finished dipping in the end of the tree line. The branches lowering with the weight of the snow piled on it. There were clouds all over the sky, the rainy kind. The colours from the edges of the sun bounced off the clouds, radiating colours. She had never really appreciated the sunset here in France.
“So, tell me more about yourself, but first let me tell you something, so you know you have leverage over me in case you think I can’t keep it secret.” he said.
“Okay, go ahead,” she said, curious about what he was going to say. This was the part where the guy tells his friend that he is a serial killer in the movies. But this wasn’t a movie and she was glad it was actually happening.
“I don’t know whether or not you have heard but last year ‘someone’ put slime in Beverly’s locker. That someone was me. I probably shouldn’t have, as she didn’t shut up for days about it.” he said his face momentarily in deep thought.
She laughed. “I’m glad you did. I loathe her. Fake, desperate and unnecessarily mean,” she said wrinkling her nose.
“I…” he started, “ I kinda HAD a crush on her…”
Her mouth dropped open. Dropped in a way that a person would if they saw their friend covered in muck.
“No way.” she said smiling, but her eyes still showing that she couldn’t believe it.
“I know, I know. It was back in 5th grade. But then I realised she is everything you said she is,” he said. “But come on don’t tell me you’ve never had a crush on anyone and, later on, think that you must have been crazy,” he said with a raised eyebrow.
She looked at him guiltily and said, “ Okay fine. I have. But she is definitely horrid.”
They both laughed. She had finally found a friend. Someone, she could tell anything. Almost anything…
“Did you have a boyfriend back in Australia?” he asked, and she felt for the first time, that he seemed sort of serious. She made a gagging sort of noise.
“What,” she was taken aback by his question.“No I did not,” she said, “What about you? Ever dated someone?”
“Me? Nope. No girl’s gonna go out with me,” he snickered.
“Oh shut up. I don’t believe that for a second,” she said, unconvinced.
“Seriously I’m not lying,” he laughed.
“Okay but I’m sure plenty of girls have a crush on you,” she said.
“You’ve met the girls in our grade right. 90% are so immature, I’m surprised they function,” he said.
“That is true,” she admitted.
They looked at each other, eye to eye, neither of them looking away. There was a soft chirping of a bird in the distance.
“That’s a Montagu’s Harrier,” she said.
“What?” he asked, puzzled.
“You hear that chirping? That bird is a Montagu’s Harrier,” she said.
“Ah. How do you know that?” he asked.
“I love birds. Their sizes, their colours and most of all their wings. One of my favourite things about France is, that there are hundreds of species that transit here while migrating.”
“That's pretty interesting,” he admitted.
It was then he noticed her shoes.
“You’re wearing sneakers?” he asked.
“Yup. They are so comfy and they look pretty good. Well, probably not as good as the ones the girls down there are wearing, but definitely more comfy.”
He looked at her and smiled.
“You are very very interesting.” he said laughing.
“Interesting? That’s a safe comment to use. It could mean you think I’m a freak or that I am super cool.” she said, smirking.
“Um… probably the latter,” he said resting his chin on his hand.
Then they heard the music from the hall becoming softer.
“We better get back soon,” he said getting up.
“Okay, it is getting colder,” she admitted and followed him.
They tried all of the entrances. Finally, on the last one, they had an open window. Mr. Butch probably went to the toilet.
They sneaked right back in time to hear one of the teachers announce, “ We are going to have a bit of a twist now. Mothers, please follow Ms. Audrey. She will take you to the exam room for a rest and refreshments,” she paused, and then said, “Now for you teenagers.”
She gave her audience a naughty smile and then shrieked, “You guys are going to be dancing with each other. Guys with girls and vice-versa. You have 15 minutes find a partner. GO.”
It took everyone some time to process what was going on. Then suddenly someone said, “Will you dance with me?” and there was a reply of, “Yes.”
That got everybody moving. There was utter chaos. Guys going around asking girls, and girls standing close to they guys they want to dance with, hoping that they would ask them.
She and Oliver looked at each other and smiled.
Oliver raised an eyebrow, biting his lower lip out of tension, and she said with emphasis, “Well duh. But… you have to teach me how to do that.” She raised both her eyebrows, failing to raise only one. He laughed but then looked down sadly.
“What happened?” she inquired, her voice full of concern.
He looked up at her, embarrassed, “I… I can’t dance.”
He covered his face with one hand, an embarrassed smile on his lips.
“It’s okay, you’ll be fine. All you really need to do is bounce and sway,” she said as though it was the simplest thing to do.
“Right…” he murmured hesitantly.
They headed closer to the stage where all the pairs had gathered. She looked around. ‘Ha,’ she thought to herself as she noticed more pairs than she had imagined there would have been. Unfortunately, her eyes landed on Beverly. She was slowly approaching her, stealing glances to Oliver. ‘Oh my god. She wants Oliver to ask her out.’ When it was announced that there were 5 minutes left, almost everyone was in pairs. Beverly wasn’t. Eventually, she approached Oliver and looked at him awkwardly for a moment, probably expecting him to ask her. When he didn't she did.
“Hey Oliver,” said Beverly. “Will you be my partner?”.
“Oh… Hey…” said Oliver slowly, “I am with Sophia. Sorry…”
That was the first time he had used her name. She was surprised he knew it, as did not recall telling him before...
Beverly looked stunned.
“She can find someone…” said Beverly briskly, quickly glancing at her in disgust.
“Else? Yeah, she can. But I want to dance with her. Not, you. You should find someone else.” replied Oliver strongly.
Beverly looked like he had slapped her. She opened her mouth to say something but then stormed out the room. Sophia was awestruck. She was sure he would have left her for Beverly. She was also sure there was the goofiest possible smile on her face right now but she didn't care.
“Right… She’s one horrible, brain-dead moron,” said Oliver rolling his eyes. “Don’t listen to her okay?”
“Thank you for that,” she whispered, suddenly conscious about the fact that everyone was looking at them.
“You don’t have to thank me,” he said
“Let’s get this started,” said an over enthusiastic voice over the microphone.
The lights suddenly changed colour. Neon green, blue and red. The DJ changed the track and an unexpected, upbeat rhythm started playing. Oliver held out a hand and bent down a bit. She blushed. She held her chin up, bent with both legs and took his hand. What followed was a blur of great music, a handsome face, a bouncing crowd and utter fun. The utter fun she hadn’t had in a long time. The utter fun she needed.
Eventually, she got a text from her dad that read,
Hey sweetie, just finished. Are you having fun? Will be there to pick you up soon.
“What happened?” screamed Oliver over the music.
“Nothing, just my dad. He's gonna pick me up soon,” she said.
“Oh… okay,” said Oliver realising what the time was.
“This is the last song for tonight,” announced the DJ.
The crowd responded with a loud ‘Boo.’
The DJ played the song.
“Oh my God. I know this song. The name starts with a ’s’. Ugh,” she said, frustrated. Oliver listened for a few seconds.
“It’s Timber by Pitbull and it starts with a ’t’,” he said shaking his head, but smiling.
“Right… I don’t really listen to music,” she said and shrugged.
“You what? We are not finished with this conversation,” he said loudly, with utter shock showing all over his face.
The beat kicked in. The crowd went wild. ‘I guess I could right now, no one is really looking.’ she thought to herself. Then she let loose. She was like a tornado trapped in for too long. Shaking her head, rising and falling. Enjoying herself. The song slowed and eventually stopped. A few minutes later the mothers re-entered the hall. Everyone started saying their goodbyes and were leaving. A few minutes later she felt her phone buzz. Her dad had reached.
“Hey Oliver, my dad has come to pick me up. I have to leave,” she said.
“Oh okay. I’ll walk you there, I have to take a cab anyway,” said Oliver
As they were walking Oliver said, “Hey listen, give me your number. I’ll message you some time,”
“You do that,” she said entering her number in his smartphone.
As they reached the gate they stopped as they had to now go different ways.
“I had a great time this evening. Well the second half of it,” she said.
“Me too,” said Oliver smiling.
Then one of them went for a hug and the other a handshake. They laughed and then hugged.
“See you around,” said Oliver turning around to leave.
She smiled and headed to the Mini Cooper parked at the end of the road.
“Hey sweetie, how was it?” asked her father. She thought for a moment. “It was pretty good, I made my first friend.”
- Raoul Shah
Tuesday, 3 May 2016
An Empty Classroom
I dawdle into class 10 minutes early.The walls that surround the classroom are plain. So much potential to be colorful and filled with life yet they stay blank and empty. Overlooked by everyone, the walls still stand tall around the room. The classroom is silent. I go over what the guidance counsellor said minutes before. It was our 24th meeting since the start of the year, and she seemed very excited though usually she’s calm and held back. “Anxiety is hard to control. You’ve been doing great but not quite there yet. Try being around people that make you happy but also spending some time alone and focusing on yourself.”
The quiet atmosphere of the classroom holds me tight like a blanket on the coldest winter night. The cold January air outside seems to fit perfectly with my mood. Unfortunately, no blanket can keep out the hurricane of 8th graders from rampaging in 10 minutes. But right now it’s quiet. The calm before the storm. I feel the constant ball of worry planted in my stomach start to throb. Seems like I can’t be protected from that either.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. A text from my mom. Won’t be home tonight, the order in, pizza number on the fridge. Predictable. She’s never home and now that dad’s not around I know the pizza number off by heart. I shut off my phone and tuck it back in my pocket. Surround yourself with the people you love. Not a huge range of options.
“Deep breaths” I whisper to myself. Inhale for 7 exhale for 11. The ball worry starts to settle. Maybe I like coming in here to focus on controlling my anxiety, I think to myself. Maybe to lose control. I sit with my eyes closed, breath.
The door flies opens. My skin itches with fear.
“Claudia?” Kayla’s voice fills my whole body. Suddenly the blanket it was gone and I'm left out in the cold to freeze.
Kayla and I have been best friends since we were little. She has always been there no matter what. She’s why I haven't given up yet. She may not know it but without her, I wouldn't be able to get through my anxiety. But she is one of the main things that cause it.
“Kayla? What are you doing in here? There’s still 10 minutes of lunch.”
“Claudia, we need to talk.” Crap, this is it. This is where she tells me that she has never wanted to be my friend and that I’m too awkward and too shy to be around. I brace myself with lies about how I never liked her, for a comeback. She puts her recycled bag made out of an old t-shirt on the chair next to her.
I remember the day she made the bag. She rushed over to my house full of excitement. I watched her ring the doorbell from my room. But something inside me stopped me from opening the door. I sat at my window staring down at her as she slowly turned and walked back home.
“You’re my best friend and I don’t want that to change. Like ever.” A small smile appears on her face while she talks but it only lasts for a second. My heart calms and my hands shake in my pockets. But then I realise that she’s not done talking. I wish she was. I wish we could just go back two years ago when it wasn’t so complicated and I wasn’t so anxious about everything. It amazes me that that was only 2 years ago. Feels like it never happened. But it did and I miss it.
“But you keep ditching me and you won’t tell me why.” Her cheeks start to go red and her nose starts to sniff.
“I don’t ditch you!” I shoot back before the words have a chance to be filtered by my brain. I regret opening my mouth instantly.
“Yeah, you do. I’m always here waiting for you but you blow me off for no reason.” She seems more sad than angry. Of course, she’s not angry. She would never be mad, at me ever since we were little I was always the short-tempered one.Walls of tears build up in front of her eyes, shielding her from seeing my anxiety grow inside.
“The only reason I blow you off is because you obviously want to hang with your other friends way more than me. And I’m sorry if you're busy waiting for me but I have a life other than you! I have other stuff going on and you obviously don’t care.” I feel lost in hate. But not for Kayla. For me. I hate that I’m too much of a coward to tell her what's really going on. Instead, I’m making up lies to make her look bad. Maybe she shouldn’t be my friend. Maybe this will make her realise how horrible I am and go off and be with people who will be real friends with her.
“Claudia I want to hang out with you, you’re my best friend and maybe it not the same with for you but I do care. I always have and always will.” Tears stream down her face in buckets. “Best friends trust each other. No secrets. Please just tell me what’s going on there has to be a reason. Just give me a reason.” My mouth feels stapled shut no matter how much I want to tell her. I don’t know why I can’t. But I just can’t.
I’m sorry Kayla. I can’t tell you. I can’t lose you. You’re too important, I can’t control my anxiety without you. And if I told you, you’d leave me. But I had no idea that by trying to not lose you, I’d do exactly that.
I hold my breath and bite my tongue until I can taste blood. I watch my best friend turn and walk away from me forever. All I want is for this moment to never happen. My body shakes as Kayla’s final words echo through me.
“Best friends trust each other. No secrets. Please just tell me what's going on there has to be a reason. Just give me a reason...”
My eyes stare at the blank walls. I can’t see the potential in them anymore. Now all they are are empty walls. I don’t see the opportunity to be full of colour anymore. All they are are empty walls. No anxiety, no anxiety, not here, not now. I can’t have a panic attack now. My breath quickens and my mind stops thinking. The fear of a panic attack makes it so much easier to have one. I’ve lost control. I have nothing to stay happy about anymore. I have no reason to stay in control anymore. I have nothing.
I can’t breathe. My face burns with tears. Fire is streaming down my face instead of water. Leaving permanent scars I will never escape. The ball of worry in my stomach explodes and-and takes over. I feel stuck to the floor yet I stumble around the room. I can’t keep myself up anymore. I let go and fall. It fFeels like I never hit the ground.
A bang on the door makes me jump. Knock. Knock. Knock. Seconds past and no one enter. I refuse to let hope enter my body and believe it’s Kayla coming back to hug and make up. It isn’t. It’s someone much worse.
Oliver. The boy who has terrorized me for years. The boy who never has anything good to say to me. The boy who now has every reason to hate me. Because I hate me. His loud and obnoxious voice fills the once empty room. My body stops shaking and freezes. I try to keep him from seeing my wet and puffy face but it’s no use. He’s alone, thank god. Boys are always worse when they're with their pack. Like lions fighting over a zebra carcass. I’m the zebra.
“What are in you doing in here? What the hell, why are you crying? Why are you in here alone? Hahaha did something happen? Did princess Claudia’s only little friend finally decide to ditch her for the popular people where she belongs? About time if you ask me. Your such a loser. But I guess you already knew that. Hahaha.” Oliver’s cruel laughs echo the room like a wolf howl. I want to leave but can’t move. He’s right about everything. Everything.
I use every muscle in my body to block out Oliver’s voice. Stop please, stop! I scream. In my head, of course. But it doesn't stop. Suddenly more footsteps enter the room but my eyes are too blurred to see. I hear yelling and take the chance to clear my face of tears. I look up just in time to see Kayla punch Oliver right across the jaw. He crashed to the ground and takes look exactly 4 minutes to get up and run out the room.
I’m in awe of what just happened. Honestly, my brain is still trying to process it. “How did you, why did you do that?” I say not looking Kayla in the eye.
“I was coming back in to get my bag, but I heard what he was saying to you. Claudia, you need to promise me you’ll never let anyone say anything like that to you again. Ook? Promise?” Kayla’s soft voice washes Oliver’s words away like the sun after a thunderstorm.
My whole body wanted to run away and hide in a whole. I couldn't bare to look Kayla in the eye. What kind of person is I? Needing the person that I just betrayed to walk in and save me. What kind of person is I?
“Claudia. You need to tell me. Or I’m walking out of here and not coming back.” My brain stops and I stare at her looking for signs she's bluffing. She’s not.
I don’t know what to do. If I tell her she might think I’m a child who’s overreacting. Or she might accept it and want to help. That’s a lot of ask, though. I realise I have been staring straight at her for a least a minute now. Awkwardness hangs in the air, like knives willing to drop and crash down, destroying everything that gets in their their way at any second. I bite down on my bottom lip. My hands automatically rub together at full force. They move as if I was carving the most beautiful artwork out of the hardest material.
`“I… Um… Ok”
I tell her everything. It takes me until lunch ends to get through it all. Tell her about feeling anxious and how I couldn't hang out with her because I was too afraid people of judging me. I tell her about going to counselling and how I was afraid to tell her about that. I tell her how my anxiety controlled me, how I couldn’t have a conversation with someone without worrying about saying something wrong. I tell her everything.
I burst into unstoppable tears twice but I don’t stop talking. When I’m done she hugs me and I never let go. And for those few warm minutes of embrace, I don't feel anxious. I feel safe. I finally feel safe. I bury myself in her arms and let her comfort wash over me.
Suddenly the plain walls feel bursting with life and emotion though they never changed. Suddenly silence turns from a blanket protecting me into a house with tall ceilings watching over me. Suddenly the ball of worry shrinks into a whisper that no one can hear. Not even me.
- Anonymous
The quiet atmosphere of the classroom holds me tight like a blanket on the coldest winter night. The cold January air outside seems to fit perfectly with my mood. Unfortunately, no blanket can keep out the hurricane of 8th graders from rampaging in 10 minutes. But right now it’s quiet. The calm before the storm. I feel the constant ball of worry planted in my stomach start to throb. Seems like I can’t be protected from that either.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. A text from my mom. Won’t be home tonight, the order in, pizza number on the fridge. Predictable. She’s never home and now that dad’s not around I know the pizza number off by heart. I shut off my phone and tuck it back in my pocket. Surround yourself with the people you love. Not a huge range of options.
“Deep breaths” I whisper to myself. Inhale for 7 exhale for 11. The ball worry starts to settle. Maybe I like coming in here to focus on controlling my anxiety, I think to myself. Maybe to lose control. I sit with my eyes closed, breath.
The door flies opens. My skin itches with fear.
“Claudia?” Kayla’s voice fills my whole body. Suddenly the blanket it was gone and I'm left out in the cold to freeze.
Kayla and I have been best friends since we were little. She has always been there no matter what. She’s why I haven't given up yet. She may not know it but without her, I wouldn't be able to get through my anxiety. But she is one of the main things that cause it.
“Kayla? What are you doing in here? There’s still 10 minutes of lunch.”
“Claudia, we need to talk.” Crap, this is it. This is where she tells me that she has never wanted to be my friend and that I’m too awkward and too shy to be around. I brace myself with lies about how I never liked her, for a comeback. She puts her recycled bag made out of an old t-shirt on the chair next to her.
I remember the day she made the bag. She rushed over to my house full of excitement. I watched her ring the doorbell from my room. But something inside me stopped me from opening the door. I sat at my window staring down at her as she slowly turned and walked back home.
“You’re my best friend and I don’t want that to change. Like ever.” A small smile appears on her face while she talks but it only lasts for a second. My heart calms and my hands shake in my pockets. But then I realise that she’s not done talking. I wish she was. I wish we could just go back two years ago when it wasn’t so complicated and I wasn’t so anxious about everything. It amazes me that that was only 2 years ago. Feels like it never happened. But it did and I miss it.
“But you keep ditching me and you won’t tell me why.” Her cheeks start to go red and her nose starts to sniff.
“I don’t ditch you!” I shoot back before the words have a chance to be filtered by my brain. I regret opening my mouth instantly.
“Yeah, you do. I’m always here waiting for you but you blow me off for no reason.” She seems more sad than angry. Of course, she’s not angry. She would never be mad, at me ever since we were little I was always the short-tempered one.Walls of tears build up in front of her eyes, shielding her from seeing my anxiety grow inside.
“The only reason I blow you off is because you obviously want to hang with your other friends way more than me. And I’m sorry if you're busy waiting for me but I have a life other than you! I have other stuff going on and you obviously don’t care.” I feel lost in hate. But not for Kayla. For me. I hate that I’m too much of a coward to tell her what's really going on. Instead, I’m making up lies to make her look bad. Maybe she shouldn’t be my friend. Maybe this will make her realise how horrible I am and go off and be with people who will be real friends with her.
“Claudia I want to hang out with you, you’re my best friend and maybe it not the same with for you but I do care. I always have and always will.” Tears stream down her face in buckets. “Best friends trust each other. No secrets. Please just tell me what’s going on there has to be a reason. Just give me a reason.” My mouth feels stapled shut no matter how much I want to tell her. I don’t know why I can’t. But I just can’t.
I’m sorry Kayla. I can’t tell you. I can’t lose you. You’re too important, I can’t control my anxiety without you. And if I told you, you’d leave me. But I had no idea that by trying to not lose you, I’d do exactly that.
I hold my breath and bite my tongue until I can taste blood. I watch my best friend turn and walk away from me forever. All I want is for this moment to never happen. My body shakes as Kayla’s final words echo through me.
“Best friends trust each other. No secrets. Please just tell me what's going on there has to be a reason. Just give me a reason...”
My eyes stare at the blank walls. I can’t see the potential in them anymore. Now all they are are empty walls. I don’t see the opportunity to be full of colour anymore. All they are are empty walls. No anxiety, no anxiety, not here, not now. I can’t have a panic attack now. My breath quickens and my mind stops thinking. The fear of a panic attack makes it so much easier to have one. I’ve lost control. I have nothing to stay happy about anymore. I have no reason to stay in control anymore. I have nothing.
I can’t breathe. My face burns with tears. Fire is streaming down my face instead of water. Leaving permanent scars I will never escape. The ball of worry in my stomach explodes and-and takes over. I feel stuck to the floor yet I stumble around the room. I can’t keep myself up anymore. I let go and fall. It fFeels like I never hit the ground.
A bang on the door makes me jump. Knock. Knock. Knock. Seconds past and no one enter. I refuse to let hope enter my body and believe it’s Kayla coming back to hug and make up. It isn’t. It’s someone much worse.
Oliver. The boy who has terrorized me for years. The boy who never has anything good to say to me. The boy who now has every reason to hate me. Because I hate me. His loud and obnoxious voice fills the once empty room. My body stops shaking and freezes. I try to keep him from seeing my wet and puffy face but it’s no use. He’s alone, thank god. Boys are always worse when they're with their pack. Like lions fighting over a zebra carcass. I’m the zebra.
“What are in you doing in here? What the hell, why are you crying? Why are you in here alone? Hahaha did something happen? Did princess Claudia’s only little friend finally decide to ditch her for the popular people where she belongs? About time if you ask me. Your such a loser. But I guess you already knew that. Hahaha.” Oliver’s cruel laughs echo the room like a wolf howl. I want to leave but can’t move. He’s right about everything. Everything.
I use every muscle in my body to block out Oliver’s voice. Stop please, stop! I scream. In my head, of course. But it doesn't stop. Suddenly more footsteps enter the room but my eyes are too blurred to see. I hear yelling and take the chance to clear my face of tears. I look up just in time to see Kayla punch Oliver right across the jaw. He crashed to the ground and takes look exactly 4 minutes to get up and run out the room.
I’m in awe of what just happened. Honestly, my brain is still trying to process it. “How did you, why did you do that?” I say not looking Kayla in the eye.
“I was coming back in to get my bag, but I heard what he was saying to you. Claudia, you need to promise me you’ll never let anyone say anything like that to you again. Ook? Promise?” Kayla’s soft voice washes Oliver’s words away like the sun after a thunderstorm.
My whole body wanted to run away and hide in a whole. I couldn't bare to look Kayla in the eye. What kind of person is I? Needing the person that I just betrayed to walk in and save me. What kind of person is I?
“Claudia. You need to tell me. Or I’m walking out of here and not coming back.” My brain stops and I stare at her looking for signs she's bluffing. She’s not.
I don’t know what to do. If I tell her she might think I’m a child who’s overreacting. Or she might accept it and want to help. That’s a lot of ask, though. I realise I have been staring straight at her for a least a minute now. Awkwardness hangs in the air, like knives willing to drop and crash down, destroying everything that gets in their their way at any second. I bite down on my bottom lip. My hands automatically rub together at full force. They move as if I was carving the most beautiful artwork out of the hardest material.
`“I… Um… Ok”
I tell her everything. It takes me until lunch ends to get through it all. Tell her about feeling anxious and how I couldn't hang out with her because I was too afraid people of judging me. I tell her about going to counselling and how I was afraid to tell her about that. I tell her how my anxiety controlled me, how I couldn’t have a conversation with someone without worrying about saying something wrong. I tell her everything.
I burst into unstoppable tears twice but I don’t stop talking. When I’m done she hugs me and I never let go. And for those few warm minutes of embrace, I don't feel anxious. I feel safe. I finally feel safe. I bury myself in her arms and let her comfort wash over me.
Suddenly the plain walls feel bursting with life and emotion though they never changed. Suddenly silence turns from a blanket protecting me into a house with tall ceilings watching over me. Suddenly the ball of worry shrinks into a whisper that no one can hear. Not even me.
- Anonymous
Define Depression
You just feel like you are alone.
Like how you are surrounded by so many people,
yet manage to feel utterly alone.
No one could ever understand what you actually mean,
exactly like you are talking in another language.
The moment you wake up,
you don’t feel like anything good is going to happen.
You have nothing to look forward to,
and you need a miracle to happen.
There would be days where it would be too much.
And you would sit on the ground and cry.
While trying to stop the tears,
you would do some things you would regret.
You would look in the mirror,
and imagine it shattering because of the ‘sight’.
You would hate your voice,
your hair,
your body.
After these days, you would feel so numb,
you would be like a body doing completely meaningless tasks.
You would feel dead,
like there's no need to give up anymore.
So mentally and physically exhausted.
But the cycle goes on,
and you feel trapped in this loop,
where the only logical solution from your point of view,
is to disappear.
- Anonymous
Like how you are surrounded by so many people,
yet manage to feel utterly alone.
No one could ever understand what you actually mean,
exactly like you are talking in another language.
The moment you wake up,
you don’t feel like anything good is going to happen.
You have nothing to look forward to,
and you need a miracle to happen.
There would be days where it would be too much.
And you would sit on the ground and cry.
While trying to stop the tears,
you would do some things you would regret.
You would look in the mirror,
and imagine it shattering because of the ‘sight’.
You would hate your voice,
your hair,
your body.
After these days, you would feel so numb,
you would be like a body doing completely meaningless tasks.
You would feel dead,
like there's no need to give up anymore.
So mentally and physically exhausted.
But the cycle goes on,
and you feel trapped in this loop,
where the only logical solution from your point of view,
is to disappear.
- Anonymous
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