At The Crossroads

At the crossroads

Who knew it would be hard

She didn't know it would be this hard

People thought she didn't know anything

She was sweating, crying, heart beating

What was she going to do

The words hurt hard and stuck like glue

Others said to stand up

They didn't know how it felt

The scars would never heal

Their reactions would sting

Like a songbird that could not sing

She was stuck at the crossroads

Forced to make a decision 

Forced by pressure

Yet they haven't understood 

No one has,

She sat there at the crossroads, saw fire on all sides

She couldn't escape, she knew what they would do

Others did not

They were her peers

She knew what they would do no matter what she did

Empty cars drove by like the shells of her former self

She didn't care what they said, she gave up

They said not to, but they did not know

They had never known

She felt blank 

Like all the trash had been cleansed off of her

She had given up

The tears left her face, like they always did

She sank into the cement, she couldn't handle it 

She couldn't stand it anymore

There she was, 

sinking, 

at the crossroads

Anonymous 

Trigger

If only you knew how strong words are.

You wouldn't throw them around like a kid with a ball.

You would use it like basketballs in a skilled game.

Think before passing.

Think before shooting.

Think before shooting someone down.

Is it better to 'pass' back?

Or is it better to just keep pushing through?

Words are like daggers.

Words can kill someone.

It doesn't have to be physically,

does it?

Words can feel like bullets.

Your mouth is the gun.

Your brain is the trigger.

One trigger.

Confuses me for a second.

Second trigger.

Makes me want to scream

Third trigger.

Tears. Me. Apart.

Fourth trigger.

Nothing.

I saw it coming.

- Anonymous

An Empty Classroom

I dawdle into class 10 minutes early.The walls that surround the classroom are plain. So much potential to be colorful and filled with life yet they stay blank and empty. Overlooked by everyone, the walls still stand tall around the room. The classroom is silent. I go over what the guidance counsellor said minutes before. It was our 24th meeting since the start of the year, and she seemed very excited though usually she’s calm and held back. “Anxiety is hard to control. You’ve been doing great but not quite there yet. Try being around people that make you happy but also spending some time alone and focusing on yourself.”

The quiet atmosphere of the classroom holds me tight like a blanket on the coldest winter night. The cold January air outside seems to fit perfectly with my mood. Unfortunately, no blanket can keep out the hurricane of 8th graders from rampaging in 10 minutes. But right now it’s quiet. The calm before the storm. I feel the constant ball of worry planted in my stomach start to throb. Seems like I can’t be protected from that either.

My phone buzzes in my pocket. A text from my mom. Won’t be home tonight, the order in, pizza number on the fridge. Predictable. She’s never home and now that dad’s not around I know the pizza number off by heart. I shut off my phone and tuck it back in my pocket. Surround yourself with the people you love. Not a huge range of options.

“Deep breaths” I whisper to myself. Inhale for 7 exhale for 11. The ball worry starts to settle. Maybe I like coming in here to focus on controlling my anxiety, I think to myself. Maybe to lose control. I sit with my eyes closed, breath.

The door flies opens. My skin itches with fear.

“Claudia?” Kayla’s voice fills my whole body. Suddenly the blanket it was gone and I'm left out in the cold to freeze.

Kayla and I have been best friends since we were little. She has always been there no matter what. She’s why I haven't given up yet. She may not know it but without her, I wouldn't be able to get through my anxiety. But she is one of the main things that cause it.

“Kayla? What are you doing in here? There’s still 10 minutes of lunch.”

“Claudia, we need to talk.” Crap, this is it. This is where she tells me that she has never wanted to be my friend and that I’m too awkward and too shy to be around. I brace myself with lies about how I never liked her, for a comeback. She puts her recycled bag made out of an old t-shirt on the chair next to her.

I remember the day she made the bag. She rushed over to my house full of excitement. I watched her ring the doorbell from my room. But something inside me stopped me from opening the door. I sat at my window staring down at her as she slowly turned and walked back home.

“You’re my best friend and I don’t want that to change. Like ever.” A small smile appears on her face while she talks but it only lasts for a second. My heart calms and my hands shake in my pockets. But then I realise that she’s not done talking. I wish she was. I wish we could just go back two years ago when it wasn’t so complicated and I wasn’t so anxious about everything. It amazes me that that was only 2 years ago. Feels like it never happened. But it did and I miss it.

“But you keep ditching me and you won’t tell me why.” Her cheeks start to go red and her nose starts to sniff.

“I don’t ditch you!” I shoot back before the words have a chance to be filtered by my brain. I regret opening my mouth instantly.

 “Yeah, you do. I’m always here waiting for you but you blow me off for no reason.” She seems more sad than angry. Of course, she’s not angry. She would never be mad, at me ever since we were little I was always the short-tempered one.Walls of tears build up in front of her eyes, shielding her from seeing my anxiety grow inside.

“The only reason I blow you off is because you obviously want to hang with your other friends way more than me. And I’m sorry if you're busy waiting for me but I have a life other than you! I have other stuff going on and you obviously don’t care.” I feel lost in hate. But not for Kayla. For me. I hate that I’m too much of a coward to tell her what's really going on. Instead, I’m making up lies to make her look bad. Maybe she shouldn’t be my friend. Maybe this will make her realise how horrible I am and go off and be with people who will be real friends with her.

“Claudia I want to hang out with you, you’re my best friend and maybe it not the same with for you but I do care. I always have and always will.” Tears stream down her face in buckets. “Best friends trust each other. No secrets. Please just tell me what’s going on there has to be a reason. Just give me a reason.” My mouth feels stapled shut no matter how much I want to tell her. I don’t know why I can’t. But I just can’t.
I’m sorry Kayla. I can’t tell you. I can’t lose you. You’re too important, I can’t control my anxiety without you. And if I told you, you’d leave me. But I had no idea that by trying to not lose you, I’d do exactly that.

I hold my breath and bite my tongue until I can taste blood. I watch my best friend turn  and walk away from me forever. All I want is for this moment to never happen. My body shakes as Kayla’s final words echo through me.

“Best friends trust each other. No secrets. Please just tell me what's going on there has to be a reason. Just give me a reason...”

My eyes stare at the blank walls. I can’t see the potential in them anymore. Now all they are are empty walls. I don’t see the opportunity to be full of colour anymore. All they are are empty walls. No anxiety, no anxiety, not here, not now. I can’t have a panic attack now. My breath quickens and my mind stops thinking. The fear of a panic attack makes it so much easier to have one. I’ve lost control. I have nothing to stay happy about anymore. I have no reason to stay in control anymore. I have nothing.

I can’t breathe. My face burns with tears. Fire is streaming down my face instead of water. Leaving permanent scars I will never escape. The ball of worry in my stomach explodes and-and takes over. I feel stuck to the floor yet I stumble around the room. I can’t keep myself up anymore. I let go and fall. It fFeels like I never hit the ground.

A bang on the door makes me jump. Knock. Knock. Knock. Seconds past and no one enter. I refuse to let hope enter my body and believe it’s Kayla coming back to hug and make up. It isn’t. It’s someone much worse.

Oliver. The boy who has terrorized me for years. The boy who never has anything good to say to me. The boy who now has every reason to hate me. Because I hate me. His loud and obnoxious voice fills the once empty room. My body stops shaking and freezes. I try to keep him from seeing my wet and puffy face but it’s no use. He’s alone, thank god. Boys are always worse when they're with their pack. Like lions fighting over a zebra carcass. I’m the zebra.

“What are in you doing in here? What the hell, why are you crying? Why are you in here alone? Hahaha did something happen? Did princess Claudia’s only little friend finally decide to ditch her for the popular people where she belongs? About time if you ask me. Your such a loser. But I guess you already knew that. Hahaha.” Oliver’s cruel laughs echo the room like a wolf howl. I want to leave but can’t move. He’s right about everything. Everything.

I use every muscle in my body to block out Oliver’s voice. Stop please, stop! I scream. In my head, of course. But it doesn't stop. Suddenly more footsteps enter the room but my eyes are too blurred to see. I hear yelling and take the chance to clear my face of tears. I look up just in time to see Kayla punch Oliver right across the jaw. He crashed to the ground and takes look exactly 4 minutes to get up and run out the room.

I’m in awe of what just happened. Honestly, my brain is still trying to process it. “How did you, why did you do that?” I say not looking Kayla in the eye.

“I was coming back in to get my bag, but I heard what he was saying to you. Claudia, you need to promise me you’ll never let anyone say anything like that to you again. Ook? Promise?” Kayla’s soft voice washes Oliver’s words away like the sun after a thunderstorm.

My whole body wanted to run away and hide in a whole. I couldn't bare to look Kayla in the eye. What kind of person is I? Needing the person that I just betrayed to walk in and save me. What kind of person is I?

“Claudia. You need to tell me. Or I’m walking out of here and not coming back.” My brain stops and I stare at her looking for signs she's bluffing. She’s not.

I don’t know what to do. If I tell her she might think I’m a child who’s overreacting. Or she might accept it and want to help. That’s a lot of ask, though. I realise I have been staring straight at her for a least a minute now. Awkwardness hangs in the air,  like knives willing to drop and crash down,  destroying everything that gets in their their way at any second. I bite down on my bottom lip. My hands automatically rub together at full force. They move as if I was carving the most beautiful artwork out of the hardest material.

`“I… Um… Ok”

I tell her everything. It takes me until lunch ends to get through it all. Tell her about feeling anxious and how I couldn't hang out with her because I was too afraid people of judging me. I tell her about going to counselling and how I was afraid to tell her about that. I tell her how my anxiety controlled me, how I couldn’t have a conversation with someone without worrying about saying something wrong. I tell her everything.

I burst into unstoppable tears twice but I don’t stop talking. When I’m done she hugs me and I never let go. And for those few warm minutes of embrace, I don't feel anxious. I feel safe. I finally feel safe. I bury myself in her arms and let her comfort wash over me.

Suddenly the plain walls feel bursting with life and emotion though they never changed. Suddenly silence turns from a blanket protecting me into a house with tall ceilings watching over me. Suddenly the ball of worry shrinks into a whisper that no one can hear. Not even me.

- Anonymous

Define Depression

You just feel like you are alone.
Like how you are surrounded by so many people,
yet manage to feel utterly alone.
No one could ever understand what you actually mean,
exactly like you are talking in another language.

The moment you wake up,
you don’t feel like anything good is going to happen.
You have nothing to look forward to,
and you need a miracle to happen.

There would be days where it would be too much.
And you would sit on the ground and cry.
While trying to stop the tears,
you would do some things you would regret.

You would look in the mirror,
and imagine it shattering because of the ‘sight’.
You would hate your voice,
your hair,
your body.

After these days, you would feel so numb,
you would be like a body doing completely meaningless tasks.
You would feel dead,
like there's no need to give up anymore.
So mentally and physically exhausted.

But the cycle goes on,
and you feel trapped in this loop,
where the only logical solution from your point of view,
is to disappear.

- Anonymous