Never run
Never hide
my enemy becomes myself and hides deep inside,
my mind was going to explode from this image I’d created,
my thick outer shell and mental walls had slowly faded
But there she was, standing there despite all odds.
Who knew a girl could have stood against my mental walls.
Which seemed like armies and armies who were loaded to the max
my guns,
my shields
my arrows
my tanks
She only smiled.
She walked with such grace
That could melt a single bullet
She smiled with such beauty that the arrows could never reach
She talked with such kindness that even the soldiers couldn’t defeat, they all fell before her
And no matter how many defences and walls I could possibly set up they would all just crumble by her feet. Like a raven with a broken wing.
No matter her flaws that I could never seem to find she was perfect
Although she couldn’t see.
She was blinded by hatred
Not for others,
Not for her friends
Not even for the stupidity in this world
But for herself
She hated the way she looked
How her hair was always straight and looked simple and bleak
How her teeth were always crooked and her smile looked pretty stupid
And how her laugh sounded like wailing monkeys
I always wondered where she got that phrase from
But all I needed to know was that it wasn’t true
None of it was
She laughed like an angel singing the prettiest melody,
She sung with such emotion that even the demons that surrounded her fell away
Like her voice was the most powerful weapon
and it was
but she didn’t use it.
And the second her song ended
The mirrors would come back
and she broke down
Tearing at her face screaming why she couldn’t look like the other girls.
She gunned herself down, surrounding herself with darkness and yet she didn’t make a sound.
The truth shielded behind her smile
She acted like everything was fine and hid her true emotions with a simple laugh
if only you could see that her laugh actually meant so much more.
She treated her skin like paper and imprisoned her voice.
She trapped her emotions and forgot what made her unique
She forgot what made us human
She forgot what made us different
She hid herself in darkness
and threw herself to the ground
cutting herself off from humanity
hoping she would be the one to burn
Hoping that her ashes would just get blown away
Like a faint memory that you didn’t even realize was there, she hoped you’d forgot.
And without realizing the pain she would cause she tried to disappear
But stopped,
because she finally managed to realize
That I was there
I saw her with the scissors in her hands surrounded by strings
of her guitar which played the songs and memories of her life
I was there
She knew a single snip could end it all yet she still stood there unfazed
I was there
She felt alone but that soon changed because she finally figured out that
I was there
She didn’t see me but I didn’t have to utter a single word either for her to know
I was there
She stopped
because she knew I was there
And I was there because she only smiled.
She looked past all my flaws
and faced my armies,
courageously taking them on
She repaired me.
Far after my battle cry’s were sung
She stood there at the edge of my boundaries
Unfazed by the shattered glass all around me
I was broken
Nothing but a pointless girl that couldn’t function
Yet she only smiled
Picking up the shards
she pieced them together
not caring whether it would cut her and leave a scar
She told me it was worth it
So I was there
standing in front of her mirror and we faced it together
Like two old friends that knew each other forever
I told her to smile.
I told her that I would never leave her
not even after the last strings of her guitar were strung.
-Ayisha Spaan
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