It’s a feeling that has plagued each one of us at some point in our lives - not fitting in.
Picture this, it’s lunchtime. The part of the day that most kids look forward to. The cafeteria is buzzing with activity - boisterous kids falling over each other just to sit with their friends, laughter rising from all corners, everyone talking over each other. But despite all the people, Sally, a grade 8 student looks around awkwardly, unsure of who to sit with. She can’t sit with the “geeks” because she has nothing in common with them. She can’t sit with the “jocks” because she hates sports. And she can’t sit with the “populars” because they are very exclusive and there is no way they would even let her come within five metres of their “elite” group. She does not really fit in anywhere. Sound familiar?
Feeling left out and not being able to fit in is a problem that all kids have faced at least once in their lifetime. In our society, teenagers especially, feel pressured to fit into one exclusive group, a clique. This is a constant struggle for many teenagers. Let’s face it - how many of us really fit into one specific “category”? A recent survey showed that 40% of teenagers felt pressured into trying to fit in with other kids at school. These days fitting in has become a top priority for many teenagers. Significant amounts of energy are put into trying to meet the expectations of someone other than themselves.
What does “fitting in” even mean? Does it mean the same thing as belonging? Brene Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection and research professor at the University of Houston says, “Fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are.” And so it becomes even more clear that to ask someone to fit in is to actually tell them to change something about themselves whether it is the way they look or act in order to be accepted by others. That is the negative message that is being sent out to teens. Instead we should be focusing on encouraging teens to be themselves, stay true to their values and aim to belong rather than “fit in”. In a society that is constantly telling us what is “cool” it is hard to accept ourselves for who we truly are and show off each of our individual and unique quirks instead of trying to be a person that does not reflect our personal values but rather fits into one of society’s categories.
Friendship plays an important role in a child’s development. Children learn many social skills from a young age and are able to build many connections. Without friends, children may feel like they lack a lot of support. But healthy friendships don’t usually form from cliques. The social dynamic in a clique is very different from a group of friends. A clique is very exclusive, people are either “in” or “out”. People in a clique may feel a lot of pressure to act a certain way because they might get kicked out if they act differently. Rather than trying to fit into a clique we should be encouraging friendship groups. In a friendship group, members don’t have to be alike or share the same hobbies. They don’t have to constantly worry about being kicked out of the group for the way they act. In a friendship group kids can “belong”.
It’s worrisome how big a struggle this is for teenagers who feel like they don’t fit in. Teens who have social problems and do not fit in are affected emotionally, making it more likely for them to suffer from depression and even stopping them from going to college. Studies have shown that at least 57% of girls, 68% of boys are less likely than peers of the same race, social class and academic background to attend college if they have feelings of not fitting in.
There is no instant solution to making good friends, but it’s important to know that you have to be patient. Work on bettering yourself, find a passion that you can focus on. Join a club or a sports team where you can form healthy friendships while staying true to yourself. It may be a long journey and there is going to be challenges along the way but when you find a friend that’s accepts you for who you are and what you believe in, that friendship is going to last, you will be happier, and you will feel like you belong.
In a society that is so quick to label teens based on what they wear and who they hang out with, it is no wonder that young people are constantly stressed about where and with whom they fit in. Now is the time for parents and other role models to play a bigger role in guiding teens towards building a sense of belonging instead and to encourage strong friendship groups. It is important for young people to not lose their sense of self and personal values and be strong enough to not let society define their identity.
Brown, Brené. "Brené Brown's Top 4 Life Lessons." Oprah.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 26 Jan. 2016.
Biali, Susan. "Stop Trying to Fit In, Aim to Belong Instead." Psychology Today. N.p., 17 Oct. 2013. Web. 26 Jan. 2016.
"Coping With Cliques." KidsHealth. Ed. Arcy Lyness. The Nemours Foundation, 01 Aug. 2013. Web. 26 Jan. 2016.
Lopez, Christopher. "What Do You Think about the Term "fitting In"" A Conversation on TED.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 26 Jan. 2016.
- Caitlin Moor
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